Olympics are a Broadway Joke

My mother will invariably read this article and have a look of woe on her face that says, "I can't believe this is the son I raised." I'm sorry, mom. I am, but I just can't bring myself to find the same fervor for the Olympic Games that you can. See, mom loves the Olympics, and since she's lucky enough to live in the country that holds a complete and utter dynasty over the "team" medal competition every time the world gets together, then I guess that makes sense. Hell, even some Braves fans still show up to games after 14 years (not many, but some). Ever since the '84 games in L.A., the earliest that I can clearly remember at the age of 10, I can recall my mother's pride of country and swelling of compassion toward the human interest angles brought to the fore by these exhibitions of athleticism held every four years.

There are some great stories, some tales of overcoming insurmountable odds to just be at the Olympic Games, but I'll tell you now, it is rare that those stories come out of the team I'm rooting for. I just can't buy that I'm supposed to be compassionate toward the plight of little Suzie ice skater, whose mother and father got her up at the crack of dawn 8 days a week and removed the silver spoon from her ass long enough to force her to the rink like some Haitian shoelace maker to be whipped into shape by a Romanian import that was taken out of the toilet paper line to come to America to coach our kids. The whole thing is a joke.

There are classic sports in the Winter Olympics that will always be respected and they are time honored traditions where the Olympics become the pinnacle of their competitions. I have complete and utter respect for speed skating, cross country and alpine skiing, bobsled, luge, ski jumping (because anyone willing to hurl themselves into space that far without a parachute is a hero in my book), and figure skating (because it does take incredible precision and athleticism, even though it's gay). Every other sport represented at the Winter Olympics is either assinine, or in massive need of change in its presentation. So, lets go over those one at a time:

HOCKEY -- Before the puckheads freak out...I'm a hockey fan. I'm a Flyers fan. I'm glad the NHL's back. I'm sorry they are going to take a hit because people who had their Cheerios peed on daily are going to turn this Tocchet gambling thing into a three-ringed circus. That being said, they need to get the NHL players out of Olympic hockey. It kills the season. The break is too long for those that don't go because we are heading into the stretch run. The strain is too much for those that do go because by the time they get back to resume the hockey season, they're tired and may have further aggravated injuries that were already nagging during the season. I have no problem with pros participating in the Olympics. Every other country has always had their best talent so why shouldn't we, but hockey is an International sport, and to have this in the middle of a season is just not working, no matter how intriguing Olympic hockey is. I'll watch it with baited breathe looking for the U.S. to battle to a medal, but I still don't agree with it.

ICE DANCING -- I'm cool with figure skating, and I'm cool with pairs figure skating, but although there is probably a defined difference between pairs and ice dancing, I don't care, and I don't need to see it. Here's the thing, you have artistic and technical marks, right? So, chuck two people out on the ice and call it pairs ice figure dancing and get it all out of the way in one shot. They can fulfill technical requirements on whatever Dewey Decimal System degree of difficulty sham they want to adhere to, and make the thing "pretty" by looking graceful. There you go. One event, less time with women demanding the remote. Just get it done. What's next, alternative jazz tap skating. No. Beat it.

CURLING -- I have a lot of friends that will be upset at my including this bedknobs and broomsticks sport that I admit to being captivated by in the 2002 games. However, come on, honestly, they are playing shuffleboard on ice with bigger pucks. I just can't promote it as a sport. I'm sure there is even an intense training regiment, but I just can't envision the sweeper lifting weights to Eye of the Tiger thinking about pushing enough ice to make the puck (or whatever its called) slide just another inch to the left. I enjoyed it in 2002 because I couldn't really believe what I was watching. It was one of those dumbfounding experiences where you know you shouldn't be enthralled by something, but like a bad car wreck, you just can't look away.

FREESTYLE SKIING & SNOWBOARDING -- I'll keep this short and sweet, and feel free to argue your incoherent points about how "stoked" these sports get millions of people all over the world in the comment section. Any sport dominated by "athletes" who typically ingest more marijuana than the cast of the movie Half Baked and Woody Harrelson combined does not, in my jaded opinion, constitute Olympic status. I'm sure the chiseled athletes of the early Greek games would agree.

BIATHLON -- I don't even know where to begin with this so-called sport that should be called "Hunting on Skis." Many years ago, two avid deer hunters wanted to go shoot animals, but the snow was much too deep to trudge through to find their prey. Being MacGyver-esque, these brilliant people donned skis and swooshed through the countryside looking for Bambi, rifles in toe. One of them must have seen something off in the distance, and both wanting the kill, they began to race furiously across the landscape to see who could get into position for the kill first. And there ya have it, the most ridiculous "sport" ever created. Baseball and softball are no longer Olympic sports, but some jackass can run around the woods on skis shooting things with a rifle and this brings out the spirit of competition that the Olympics supposedly define. Jim McKay would be rolling over in his grave....that is, if he were dead.

That all being said, hey, enjoy the Opening Ceremonies tonight. Nothing like a big Italian Broadway production with Pavarotti at the helm. For comedy anyway.